Goodbye to what was us

I used to spend time placing my completed blog into grammarly . com and making sure everything was written correctly. But now I realize that holds me back. I write and it is what is it. I don’t need to worry about being judged for spelling or sentence structure because guess what, if your judging me on that….then god help me on what you think about the rest of my life.

A few months ago my existing world with music man came to a screeching halt. My husband has been an incredibly successful businessman and has worked with the same company for over 2o years. Then one day, it all got taken away. Music man was let go and pushed out the door. There was no reason given, though we think it had a lot to do with salary. It was sad and humiliating and honestly, it called into question my reasons for staying in this marriage.

Music man has been amazing for over two years now. He is transparent, he takes his medication religiously and we have been working hard in therapy. So when his job came to an abrut end, it shook the stable foundation we have been working so hard to build. But it also shook a foundation I have always had. Suddenly, there was no financial safety and it was scary as hell. First I wanted to hit him and run away. I wanted a back up plan that didn’t include Music man. A place where I could run away and have a happily ever after with no financial worries, no retirement worries.

But reality is reality and I stood in acceptance of these new circumstances. I became the cheerleader during the day, the wife and mom who only cried and sobbed and crawled into the fetal position when I knew I was totally alone and my dark sadness would never be discovered. That sad place was only for me.

I wondered why I stayed in this marriage for so many years. I wondered why I stayed, given the circumstances of his unpredictable moods, his infidelity and bipolar disorder. I wondered how much of it had to do with being financially secure. I wondered if I was that shallow, that easily bought? Had I been here all along because my husband was a big fish in a small pond? Was I addicted to spending money on a whim? Did I somehow learn long ago that my body was a way to pay for a luxurious life? I can’t wrap my head around any of that. It’s too big, too complicated, too sad. For now, I am comfortable being the cheerleader for my family. I want everyone to be ok, except I never take the time to see how I am doing. I don’t think I know how to do that, but that is what makes me a fighter and a cheerleader I guess.

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