Here and now

It is the 2nd anniversary of d-day. Two long years of sobbing, falling apart, losing my temper, snooping, drinking, plotting revenge. Two of the most insane years of my life. But through it all, somehow I am here. I’m still standing, breathing, laughing and loving.
To my girlfriends….whether it was one conversation or you were one of the unlucky ones who had to listen to me obsess and ruminate over and over about my future, my heartbreak, my trust issues. I couldn’t have made it without you. You picked me up when I was rock bottom and told me I would be ok. You listened and cried with me and through it all, none of you ever admonished me for choosing to stay with music man. Not one of you ever hated on him or broke my confidence. I’m so very lucky to have good friends, especially since my parents are both deceased. I count my blessings for the women who surround me.
When music man and I go out with friends old or new, I now have an awareness that just plain sucks. I watch the other women, I watch my husband’s body language. I watch my husband closely and there is certainly a sense of carefree abandon that is forever lost. But so far, two years down the road, music man has done ok. He’s put in the deep work to figure himself out, he’s taking his medications religiously. Still, this version of “happily married” is hard for me to wrap my head around.
I hate to be cliche but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and wow, that is so very true. I still have bad days, I cry at the drop of a hat now, but I no longer see tears as a sign of weakness. Rather, tears are a path to healing. If my husband chooses to screw up again, it will not hurt as deeply. It can’t. I’m hardened and I’m also less fearful. I can face the world alone if I need to and no matter the outcome of us, I will feel happiness again.
This doesn’t mean I don’t love him as much anymore or that I have one foot out the door. I’m just more in control of my emotional health and I do think I have come back from “emotional” rock bottom. I’m choosing to stay and choosing to have faith in my husband’s journey to heal. But that is what is cool. I am making a choice and I know I have options. Today I believe in our future and our love.
I like to tell music man that he is free to choose his own path. I have boundaries and expectations for what I need to make this “new” marriage work. If his needs are different and he is not happy, there’s the door. It sounds harsh, but I mean it in a very matter of fact manner. I hope we can continue to follow the same path, I love him so much. It is in realizing how much I love him, that I chose to stay and work on us.

Music man is a separate soul, free to make his own choices, free to stay or go. I can’t control him nor do I want to anymore. And that line of thinking is something I never even remotely imagined I would follow. I feel like I broke my cycle of codependency in our relationship. I’m glad. They say if a couple survives infidelity, the marriage becomes stronger with a much deeper level of intimacy. We will see…..

2 thoughts on “Here and now

  1. Oh yes, I learned so much: that I don’t control another person & they are responsible for their actions. That I was in control of my own life and that there was nothing to fear, because the worst had already happened. When I started to get stronger & piece the facts together I believed my own truth, that way I was in control of the lies. Gradually over time, when I came to realise all these things I stopped checking his phone, or on him, because I could survive & it was up to him now. Stay strong, sounds like you got this. R ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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