Making sense of the stories

So after many, many months in therapy, my therapist says I am the type of person that needs to understand and make sense of things in life. I still have so many questions around Music Man’s sexual activities. Maybe someone reading this can give me insight.

Question 1 – How is it that a guy goes to a topless bar and goes so far as to finger a dancer, then goes home? That makes no sense to me. What happens to your male part? Surely it is rock solid? Do the guys go to the parking lot and wack off or do they hire a stripper for sex? I just don’t understand going to a place like that and walking out with no one finishing the job.

Question 2 – How does a guy go to a strange town and pick up a woman for a one night stand, only to never speak to the woman again? What makes sense to me is that a guy would keep her number handy for an easy meet up next time he is in said city? Why would a cheater not take advantage of an easy hook up?

Question 3 – How does a guy who is married only cheat off and on? Like cheats for a couple of years, then not cheats for a couple of years and so on. That doesn’t make sense to me. If your cheating with hookers and one night stands, how do you suddenly stop for two years, then start for two years and so on?

Question 4 – How does a sex addict not get lured into the ease and convenience of meeting strangers on line for sex? To me, that is like placing a giant cake in front of me and I just look at it, while I am eating the health food around the cake. lol

So yeah, these are the things that leave me confused still.

5 thoughts on “Making sense of the stories

  1. I’m not sure that I have specific answers to these, but I’ll offer you a few of my thoughts:
    – They can screw another woman without a second thought because there are truly no feelings involved (and feelings that do come up are usually centered around shame). The OW is little more than a masturbatory aid. It’s part of the objectification aspect of the addiction. She is a hole, not a human.

    – Some stories don’t make sense because so much of compulsive sexual behavior is inexplicable. On the other hand, if something really strikes you as off or odd based on what you know for sure, trust your gut. You likely aren’t hearing the truth. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but I think almost every partner of a SA will tell you that they had to decide for themselves what their truth is and then respond based on that… not on the version of “truth” coming from the addict. For me, I just decided it was easier to assume that my husband had sex with everyone, even those he swears he didn’t. I also assume that he’s done everything imaginable, even the things he swears he did not do. This assumption served me well when he finally (12 months post DDay#1) fessed up to using escorts and massage parlors. I already had set in my mind that he did those things, so while it was still painful to hear him confirm the fact it wasn’t as debilitating as that disclosure would have been otherwise. It was already a part of my truth.

    – Periods of some sobriety even for years seem fairly common as part of the cycle. In my own case my husband didn’t act out with others for 7 years. He was, however, masturbating in secret during that time. So there was still addictive behavior there, just not as epic as what would come later. That was a pattern for him: he’d stop acting out in the newness of a relationship and then as the novelty and shine wore off he’d start up again.

    I know I’m repeating myself, but trust your gut. If you think he admitted to fingering the stripper but there was likely more involved, just assume there was more. He may be admitting to only what he thinks you can handle. Or just enough to acknowledge wrongdoing but not the whole story… to protect him from you leaving if you knew the whole truth. (“If she knew x, she’d leave me/ not love me for sure.”)

    This is all a lot to come to terms with, and your confusion and frustration is understandable and normal. Don’t doubt that.
    Xo ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Regarding the stripper, he could be lying, but he could also be telling the truth. Sometimes the lead up is what gives them the hits. Finishing can be a let down. Although in the moment it’s pleasurable, it’s an ending.

    For my SA, the gaps in time were because of a couple things, I think. One, he was trying to stop. The cycle left him filled with shame. There were some big gaps, but like Blackacre’s husband, there was porn & masturbation when not actual women. Second, his addiction was often exacerbated by stress, the more stressful the situation (especially if it included his family), the more intense the acting out. Also, his addiction grew over time from adolescence. It was 10 years into our marriage before he acted out sexually with another woman, but he was indeed a sex addict from his youth. First there was a one night stand at a hotel, then a short term sexual relationship with the secretary (a couple months, all in the office), then a 4+ year gap, but he was always grooming whether he knew or could define it, or not. Like all addicts he thought he could stop, on his own, he couldn’t. Finally the Craigslist Ad and the 8 year relationship. She was easy and provided what he sought, but that was also very intermittent… once or twice a YEAR for the last 6 years. What he conjured in his head didn’t match the reality of the situation, but addicts’ brains are messed up.

    He did use the Internet, but only the one time. The internet leaves a trace. For being a savvy business man, he was ignorant when it came to what was available online, and how easy. Addicts tend to not be the most aggressive womanizers. They’re often shy and underdeveloped when it comes to sex, and some are just plain impotent when the time comes.

    Also, as Blackacre says, addicts lie because they think this one little piece of the truth will send you packing. That’s why so many recovery plans include lie detector tests. Can they tell the truth? It got to a point for us where I just didn’t care anymore, but that took a while and for a long time I was quizzing him all day every day, trying to piece together my reality. Then I finally realized, it wasn’t my reality. He is truly fucked up and it is truly his place to figure it out. But again, we’re going on 6 years. There will come a time when you don’t need any more answers. Until then, seek what you need. ❤️

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  3. The answers may never come and maybe that’s what keeps us sane. I recall the unanswered questions for me were much worse in my mind. It’s not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live with what remains. It’s not just the knowledge that hurts it’s those fucken flashbacks that follow….

    Liked by 1 person

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