Regular Days

Regular days are strange now. It’s like the monotony of life is back in full force, but my brain doesn’t know how to process it anymore. How can there be any monotony given all I now know? Music Man won a prestigious award today. People are all over social media honoring him. I’m feeling pretty proud of him. I think that is a good sign?
I think right now, though; I realize how much of my self worth came from living through him. I’m proud of him for winning this award, but my pride doesn’t feel like it used to. Two years ago, I would feel like I was the one who won the award. All my emotions good, bad, happy, sad, were all based on how my husband was feeling. Wow! I realize that part of me is gone, and it’s a very healthy thing. I’m anxious to see who “I” am. My mask was ripped off of my face; it was damn painful, but the healing is coming from deep inside. I’m anxious to find out who it is that “I” am. I’m there, waiting, the real me. I can’t believe it took 53 years to break through. I feel like I am getting to the other side of this and along the way, falling in love with myself. I can’t believe I survived this shitstorm nightmare of pure, holy hell head fuckery. But I did!!!! And it’s a pretty empowering feeling. I’m not as scared as I used to be. At least not today. I got me some happy thoughts now, people! BIG, AMAZING, HOPEFUL plans and ideas. It’s hard-earned, that’s for sure. Today, I am giving myself an award. I’m calling it the 2019 Major Headfuckery Survivor Award! Maybe that’s why my pride over music man’s honor isn’t as intense this time. I think there’s too much pride in myself. It’s pushing his award out of the way. I’ll have to work on my acceptance speech. Maybe have a party as well.

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