I’ll never be who I knew was me again

My husband went on a business trip last week. Just for one night. I used to love when he traveled because I would make a big fat pan of brownies, watch terrible tv shows like “real housewives” and be a little more messy! That was the old me. She’s gone. My psychiatrist is awesome. I told her I still feel so ambivalent about my marriage. She told me I’m probably just having trouble adjusting to the person I have become. Ugh I never planned on becoming some wise woman who is forever changed due to heartbreak. But what are my other options? I definitely want to keep “bitter” out of my personality description. Deep inside I’m pretty much just happy go lucky. I want that back. But I know i need to get to a place where i feel safe with just me. I always thought i was pretty independent, but since D day, i see how much of myself I lost since becoming music mans wife. I dove headfirst into music man’s soul and put him in control of who i was. Defined by his career, his music, his opinions. I felt so safe. Now I Just feel dumb. When he went out of town this last time, i didnt look at our cell phone activity to see who he had been calling, i didnt call the hotel to make sure he was really in his room. I don’t have the energy for the chase anymore. I’m tired and im not sure where this level of exhaustion will lead.

At some point do you just check out with no return? Today, that doesnt sound so bad.

6 thoughts on “I’ll never be who I knew was me again

  1. Travel is tough for me as well. My husband did most of his acting out while traveling. I did used to love when he was away though, brownies and crap TV sounds pretty nice right now. We made a pact to travel together after discovery of his secret life. Sometimes it’s just not feasible. Honestly though, I never checked up on him before discovery, or after, but I was a changed woman all the same. I lost a lot of my sparkle those first few years. I was just thinking about this last night, how I’m getting parts of my “before” personality back, but it’s not the same, I’m not the same. I hope you don’t mind me linking to your blog? ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I completely understand where you are. I hate being broken. I hate that I can never go back to who I was. I trusted with all my heart and lost. The me I am today is the true me that was discovered by a harsh reality.
    Be both patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you. ~hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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