Music Man was always the life of every party and he was very successful in his career. We moved quite a few times to allow his company to promote him. But I also think with every move we made, I was too distracted with my kids to really notice if he was fooling around on the side. Since the make out incident at his 30th birthday party, I had began to snoop. And I was pretty good at it.
I managed to hack into every cell phone he had, I checked credit cards, phone bills, computer history. I was a pro. When I look back on this, I think how sad to have lived this way. But I was never able to shake the feeling he was cheating. There were the lies. He went out of town once and lied to me about his return flight. I had a feeling, so I called the airline to see if any flights from Los Angeles had landed in the past hour. None. So I called him and said “I know you are here. You are a liar.” He came rushing home and apologized saying he had been invited out for happy hour by his boss but didn’t want me upset knowing he went straight for drinks after landing. I accepted it, but I never believed it.
The thing about Music Man is that whenever I caught him in a lie, it was never red handed involving other women. I never had the solid evidence that would allow me be 100% sure. And when he was caught lying about something, he was always so genuinely sorry and so humble and nice. It was easy to brush it aside.
One night about 7 years after the Megan / making out in our bathroom incident, I was inside our house and my husband was sitting outside chatting with a male friend of ours. This friend had just been caught having an affair with another women from our neighborhood. I could hear every word, but I had to strain to do so. I heard my husbands voice drop low and he asked “What was she like? Was she good?” Our friends answer was unintelligible to me, but then I heard our friend say loud and clear “Everyone cheats” to which my husband responded while laughing “I know….but you got caught!” and more laughter. My heart sank a little, but I wasn’t surprised.
When I confronted Music Man about what i heard, he denied it. He insisted what I heard wasn’t real. He gaslighted me and although I had no doubt to what I heard in that conversation, I gave up the fight. From that point on, I never doubted that music man was a cheater. And my snooping continued. But honestly our marriage was pretty good.
He was a great father to our girls, he was always the life of the party, he was making very good money and most of the time, he was very nice to me. But once in awhile there would be alcohol and fighting. Then I began to notice, with music man, there was always alcohol. At this point my kids were little and I was not drinking very often. I thought about how his job involved entertaining clients and I realized as long as alcohol was in the picture, there were going to be lies. I just accepted it. I don’t know why. Maybe I believed I did not deserve anything bette. I really don’t know. But I sadly sat in acceptance.
Music man had a way of placing his needs over mine. He needed a super nice car to take clients out – I had the family car that could get dirty. That sort of symbolized the hierarchy of our relationship. I stayed home and cared for the kids, he went to work at his glamorous job. Music man was generous which helped take my mind off of any suspisions. We took amazing family vacations, I was always by his side at work events and I was never restricted on our spending. Music Man was always home on weekends and if he had a band gig, I was there to watch. He traveled quite a bit, but I didn’t even consider ever traveling txwith him. My kids came first and the idea of leaving them with a sitter durning the school year, never even occurred to me. I’m sure this helped feed his addiction.
I don’t want this blog to be our entire marital history. I intend it to be a blog about dealing with the discovery of sex addiction. But it helps for me to write the timeline.
I have to add, there was always porn. My husband liked to watch porn. Once in a great while, I would go along for the ride so we could have some amazing sex, but to be honest, I always had a problem watching the way women were treated in these movies. It was always the same, a woman on her knees giving some dude a blow job and he has her by the scalp shoving his penis in and out of her mouth. Then there she would be doggy style or banging 3 guys. I didn’t get on a giant soapbox about it, I just didn’t get that into it. Soon it became something my husband did alone. I was actually naive enough to think it was ok for him to watch porn. It was a release for him and that is all the thought I ever gave to it.